This post is very old, originally published on my previous blog many years ago!
Greetings sexual adventurers flailing their way bravely through the forests of life!
As a response to the impending financial doom bubbling away in Europe, I’ve decided to do the right and helpful thing by writing a comprehensive list of the totty in Game of Thrones, rating them either hot or not in an act of philanthropy that I hope makes you think about all the selfless things YOU could be doing right now. Now, as should be obvious to everything (perhaps even cheesecakes) the answer to whether around 92% of the characters in Game of Thrones are hot is “of course they are, are you mad and blind?”. But if we were fair about the evident, objective attractiveness of everyone in the acting/former model now acting game we would exhaust our sexual energy in the life-sucking effort to fancy them all, leaving us withered husks of our former, virile selves. So lets get judging! Huzzah!
By the way, this is going to have all the spoilers if you aren’t keeping up with the second series, so don’t cast your beautiful eyes downwards if you aren’t there yet and care at all about these things! If you don’t care at all, or perhaps haven’t even thought about Game of Thrones once in your life, I congratulate you, you are more free and well rounded than we nerdatrons will ever be.
Ned Stark
It’s Sean Bean. It’s Sean Bean playing a gruff and moral character who swings a sword about whilst finding time to look sexy. It’s Sean Bean in old timey clothes and long hair being a WARDEN OF THE NORTH which, if it isn’t a thing in real life, really needs to be a thing in real life. It’s Sean Bean being a loving husband and a good man, while also being a double hard bastard. It’s Sean Bean being all these things and more, but most importantly… it’s Sean Fucking Bean.
HOT.
Daenerys Targaryen
Well, if every product of centuries of incest looked like this I think incest would have a better name. Check out weird genetically monoculture girl! She’s SMOKING! And she walked into a fire like a blond lemming and emerged not only unscathed but NAKED with DRAGONS. Phwoar! Dragons are excellent accessories. If there’s anything that can take her from utterly lovely to not utterly lovely it’s the fact she’s getting ever so muchly irritating. Always shouting “where are my dragons?!!” in the manner of a stroppy teabag like that’s going to help anyone or anything, while Jorah Mormont tries to rub himself against her without her noticing. Boring! So, until she starts kicking arse like I have every confidence she will,
NOT.
p.s. Have a look at this thing that actually exists, yours for a mere $159
Jon Snow
Oops! Sorry!
Jon Snow looks like an angel, and I’m sure under all those furs he’s got a body indicating all the hard work that’s gone into throwing his great sword about on a daily basis (oo-er), but there’s something missing. For minutes I pondered like a great scholar (I even donned a fake beard in order to stroke my chin all the more thoughtfully) (and by “fake beard” I may or may not mean “reluctant hamster”) what this could possibly be, and then it dawned on me. Personality. Jon Snow is just a pouty mannequin being prodded about from one snowy scene to another, flaunting his face about in a desperate attempt to deflect from the fact that everyone falls asleep before he can finish a sentence. Aaw, sorry Jon Snow, prove me wrong!
NOT.
Robb Stark
*puts on rabbit ears and sets voice to mournful warbling*…Bright eyes, burning like fire….
HOT
Jaime Lannister
Jaime Lannister manages to look good sitting in the unpleasant products of his intestinal factories, which is quite a feat considering most people don’t even look good when they follow all the accepted hygiene routines, and check out those flowing locks of gold! He’s got a face hewn from oak by a rugged woodsman, who then handed it to wood elves for fine tuning, and Sawyer-from-Lost-like nihilistic humour, the humour of a man who’s aware of who he is, and is disgusted by it. These things are appealing.
Unfortunately, he also fucks his sister.
NOT
Theon Greyjoy
Hmm. There is potential here. I think if they didn’t scream patheticness his big ol’ eyes would be quite adorable. Still, Theon is all kinds of terrible bastard, and he doesn’t even have the grace to do it sexily like Jaime, it’s all neediness with this iron-born seaweed man.
NOT.
Khal Drogo
I’m going to discount the wedding night scene with Drogo, seeing as in the books things go rather more consensually (seriously HBO, Game of Thrones as a book is about 35% unpleasant rape scenes. We don’t need extra rape scenes!). I will also ignore the acts of extreme violence because LOOK AT HIM. He’s not built on the same scale as other men, he’s about 8 foot tall and 7 foot wide at the shoulder, with legs you could build a house with. And those eyes are filled with what some might see as “murderous fire” but I like to think is loving warmth. Mmmm-hmmm!
HOT.
Ygritte Something Something.
Yay Ygritte! A mardy northern redhead! It’s also nice to see a woman doing the sexual harrassing in a series where being a woman is a TERRIBLE idea. Girls are certainly not having fun in Westeros. But anyway, Ygritte, she’s all wildling independence! Huzzah!
HOT.
That Bloke In Quarth
Jesus galloping Christ’s lacy knickers.
He’s a not, by the way.
Gendry
Did you see that gratuitous shirt-off blacksmithing shot? Erm. Yeah.
HOT.
Cersei Lannister
All the time she spends being such an unrelenting bitch could be a drag but she is SO PRETTY.
HOT
Petyr Baelish
This is quite a conflict for me, because physically I fancy Littlefinger. I don’t know why, I just do. If you ever see a relatively handsome skinny old bloke with ridiculous facial hair cover him in butter and put him in the love oven, because apparently I’m going to want a slice of that. And he’s even nicer with his real accent.
But as a character he’s just a bit… rubbish. In the book he’s a master manipulator, someone you can never quite work out even if you are aware that he is charming. In the series he chose the moment Catelyn Stark was opening a box of her dead, beloved husband’s bones to say “you know, I’ve always wanted to sex you up Catelyn, seeing as now your a free agent…” Which is NOT SMOOTH. And then he did his “what I do to prostitutes who cry too much” speech to Ros and my vagina pretty up upped and left the room. So, on balance…
NOT.
Well there we are, another searing vision of intellectual majesty in blog form. There’s LOADS of other characters I would like to discuss but I suspect it’s time to stop nerding out before I get killed by the nerd police. Night night guys and gals!
Holly & The Ash Tree 